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I should and it is very good advice. He keeps me and his friends separate. More likely than not he feels my jealousy. I get to hear of places he's been to with his friends and he makes plans freely with them in front of me. I don't touch that part of his life, I don't self-invite myself to his cinema trips or his sleepovers. I am glad for what he gives me, the time with him is my most precious time of my day. Some days it is just an hour, some days it is full 12 hours, some days I don't get to see him at all. I'll work on sharing him, find a way to change the dynamic. I need to learn how to detach and feel safe about our relationship and in order to do that I need to be secure in it and I am not. Every change of plans, a sulky day, or a foul morning mood of his creates a temporary panic attack in me. If I look at things objectively, it is getting better every day. I see him more often than ever, his parents trust me to be with him alone for longer and longer. He shares more with me, talks more openly. Tells me his fears, his dreams. But I am also falling in love deeper. The first few months, it was just a normal YF, take him out, spend some time with him, spend some money on him, give him attention, listen and respond, go home and continue with life, and something somehow changed, he installed himself in my heart and furnished his living quarters there and in the beginning, I could have done all that, share him freely without a touch of jealousy, I wouldn't be bothered if I didn't see him for days. Now it is the same boy, the same me and I am not sleeping, I think and dream only of him and everything else is secondary. I should have done that from the beginning, establish a different dynamic, where he feels safe to invite his friends to our time. |